Post by Jack Kilford on Jul 3, 2010 11:12:46 GMT -7
I dont usually do this type of thing. I don't like ranting but after last night I need to :(
From the time I was born to when I was three with lived in SJ, and when I was three I got really sick and my parents decided to move to my moms hometown, which we will call L-town for future references. So we moved there and my grandparents insisted that move into their house with them because they wanted the whole family together. It’s a really big house. And then my other aunt moved there with her husband, and my cousin (whom everyone knows as Jizz). So we all lived together as one big happy family while I got treatment for… the thing I had. And my other aunt lived next door to us (she still does), and then when I was four, my other aunt showed up with Megs, and then she left. And Megs stayed with us. My parents adopted her, and then I had another sibling. This might seem like living in a commune, and it kind of is… my grandmother was from Spain and she was one of 16, so she was used to a lot of people living together. Anyways that’s not the point, but I’ll get to that in a sec. When I was 8, my grandfather died from diabetic complications. He was sixty three. My grandmother often needed help to fix electrical stuff around the house, so she used to call her and her husbands friend Benny to help. Later on, when I went to elementary school, I studied with his grandson. (and this is where the issue kind of begins.)
So the point is that yesterday I was helping my next-door neighbor aunt around the house and she told me that Benny was coming over today to help her install a ceiling fan. So last night, when I go to sleep I start thinking about my dad’s screw up. My dad, when I was in sixth grade, got confused and told Benny that I liked his grandson… Steven, yeah, Steven. But I didn’t like him I liked Xavier. And then I thought about how my best friend from first to ninth grade, Victoria, had always said she and Xavier were siblings and I was like a cousin to her. And that whenever there was a new girl in class she would completely ditch me and hang out with the new girl. The sad thing was that I was the only one who ever showed up to her bday parties. And then I was thinking that I was always second best to her. And then when we were going to start seventh grade our moms decided they were going to take us out of our school and into new ones, and we begged and pleaded to them so they would put us in the same one. So after a few months, she ditched me for this other guy, Charlie, and this girl Nicole, but not completely because the four of us were always together. But she didn’t consider me her bff, I was always like her best friend, but not the #1, and to Nicole, Victoria was the #1, and to Charlie this other kid was #1. And I was always like the third wheel.
Then she left for Florida, and I stayed, and she started rumors about me over the phone. And at the end of ninth grade I was completely isolated. No one would talk to me. That’s when I started cutting, and trying to kill myself. My parents changed me from that school and put me in another one. There, the same thing happened. I made a best friend, but I was always second best. And that’s when I started thinking: there must be something wrong with me because the same thing happens EVERYWHERE. But anyways, I was second best to everyone. And whenever anyone had the chance to, they would ditch me, and backstab me.
So that was school for me. And then last night, I was thinking about this (the second best thing) for the first time, and I realized it wasn’t just in school. Its everyfuckingwhere! At home I was always second best too! Megs and Jizz call themselves the twins, and they have more inside jokes that I can count. If megs and I were drowning, Jizz would save megs, and vice versa. And to my little sister, I’m always second best to Natalia. My sister is ALWAYS telling me how she wishes Nat was her sister and not me. And to Alex I was always second best to his gf, and his sports friends… And then, last night I was thinking about this, and crying, and I started hating myself for caring. So what if everyone’s always more important than me? Why should I care? And I felt stupid, but I still care. And it hurts. Last night I cried for three hours. Nobody heard me. And if they did, nobody cared. I was finally starting to fall asleep when I remembered this one time that I was calling my aunt (the one that lives next door) and whenever she called, and I answered, if I asked who it was she would say “your favorite aunt” and so I remembered this one time that I called her and she asked who it was, and I decided to turn the tables on her, so I said: “your favorite niece” and she said: “OMG! MILA!! IT’S SOO GREAT TO TALK TO YOU!!! HOW ARE YOU!!!” and I said: “no, it’s ceci.” And she was quiet for a really long time, and then she said: Im sorry. And so I fell asleep hating myself even more, and thinking that after summer ends, so does my life.
From the time I was born to when I was three with lived in SJ, and when I was three I got really sick and my parents decided to move to my moms hometown, which we will call L-town for future references. So we moved there and my grandparents insisted that move into their house with them because they wanted the whole family together. It’s a really big house. And then my other aunt moved there with her husband, and my cousin (whom everyone knows as Jizz). So we all lived together as one big happy family while I got treatment for… the thing I had. And my other aunt lived next door to us (she still does), and then when I was four, my other aunt showed up with Megs, and then she left. And Megs stayed with us. My parents adopted her, and then I had another sibling. This might seem like living in a commune, and it kind of is… my grandmother was from Spain and she was one of 16, so she was used to a lot of people living together. Anyways that’s not the point, but I’ll get to that in a sec. When I was 8, my grandfather died from diabetic complications. He was sixty three. My grandmother often needed help to fix electrical stuff around the house, so she used to call her and her husbands friend Benny to help. Later on, when I went to elementary school, I studied with his grandson. (and this is where the issue kind of begins.)
So the point is that yesterday I was helping my next-door neighbor aunt around the house and she told me that Benny was coming over today to help her install a ceiling fan. So last night, when I go to sleep I start thinking about my dad’s screw up. My dad, when I was in sixth grade, got confused and told Benny that I liked his grandson… Steven, yeah, Steven. But I didn’t like him I liked Xavier. And then I thought about how my best friend from first to ninth grade, Victoria, had always said she and Xavier were siblings and I was like a cousin to her. And that whenever there was a new girl in class she would completely ditch me and hang out with the new girl. The sad thing was that I was the only one who ever showed up to her bday parties. And then I was thinking that I was always second best to her. And then when we were going to start seventh grade our moms decided they were going to take us out of our school and into new ones, and we begged and pleaded to them so they would put us in the same one. So after a few months, she ditched me for this other guy, Charlie, and this girl Nicole, but not completely because the four of us were always together. But she didn’t consider me her bff, I was always like her best friend, but not the #1, and to Nicole, Victoria was the #1, and to Charlie this other kid was #1. And I was always like the third wheel.
Then she left for Florida, and I stayed, and she started rumors about me over the phone. And at the end of ninth grade I was completely isolated. No one would talk to me. That’s when I started cutting, and trying to kill myself. My parents changed me from that school and put me in another one. There, the same thing happened. I made a best friend, but I was always second best. And that’s when I started thinking: there must be something wrong with me because the same thing happens EVERYWHERE. But anyways, I was second best to everyone. And whenever anyone had the chance to, they would ditch me, and backstab me.
So that was school for me. And then last night, I was thinking about this (the second best thing) for the first time, and I realized it wasn’t just in school. Its everyfuckingwhere! At home I was always second best too! Megs and Jizz call themselves the twins, and they have more inside jokes that I can count. If megs and I were drowning, Jizz would save megs, and vice versa. And to my little sister, I’m always second best to Natalia. My sister is ALWAYS telling me how she wishes Nat was her sister and not me. And to Alex I was always second best to his gf, and his sports friends… And then, last night I was thinking about this, and crying, and I started hating myself for caring. So what if everyone’s always more important than me? Why should I care? And I felt stupid, but I still care. And it hurts. Last night I cried for three hours. Nobody heard me. And if they did, nobody cared. I was finally starting to fall asleep when I remembered this one time that I was calling my aunt (the one that lives next door) and whenever she called, and I answered, if I asked who it was she would say “your favorite aunt” and so I remembered this one time that I called her and she asked who it was, and I decided to turn the tables on her, so I said: “your favorite niece” and she said: “OMG! MILA!! IT’S SOO GREAT TO TALK TO YOU!!! HOW ARE YOU!!!” and I said: “no, it’s ceci.” And she was quiet for a really long time, and then she said: Im sorry. And so I fell asleep hating myself even more, and thinking that after summer ends, so does my life.
